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Thick neck lanyards needed!
Lanyards can be too tight for the big boys
We got this letter from a potential customer. We found it insightful and profound, and so we thought we’d share it with our customers:
|Dear Lanyards Store,
My husband, Gordon, has a very thick neck. He’s 6’ 5”, 340 lbs and is just a big lovable teddy bear. It used to be an attractive sports neck, but now it’s mostly just a fat neck. Like Norm on ‘Cheers’ but even bigger. Right now, depending where you place the tape measure, it’s about 29 inches in girth. Huge. And yes the doctor says he’s obese but whatever. He used to be a big athletic lineman, but then he just got larger without exercising. The problem is, he got an extra job as a night guard and he has to wear security lanyards with an id badge attached. The company he works for bought the lanyards from you. They are great lanyards, but they don’t fit my husband. He complains the sports lanyards are too tight on his neck and he feels choked all the time. We couldn’t find any “thick neck lanyards” on your site.
So we decided to investigate other options...
We went to staples and office depot and checked their lanyards. They only carry the same standard size and their lanyards are much more expensive than your prices. So that won’t help.
I began to research possible big neck lanyard alternatives for Gordy, and at a local fake beads and accessories store I found one of those big shiny gold neck chains, like what rappers wear. My husband rolled his eyes (he hates rap music) but he agreed to give it a try. It fit just fine. Unfortunately, near his work, there often are some group of youths, who are local rapper-wannabe hoodlums he has to provide security against. They usually tease my husband and call him “Notorious H.U.G.E.” However, when Gordy came home the next morning he said the local punks were laughing all night and calling him “Flavor Fat”, whatever that means. Also he said the chain jingled when he walked, so he couldn’t sneak up on any prowlers if he needed to.
Not to be deterred, we looked online for other options, Gordon decided a luggage strap might do the trick. We went to Target and bought one. The only ones they had were multi-color rainbow ones. But with a little good ol’ American ingenuity, we were able to rig up an attachment hook and it seemed like problem solved. That night, the thugs noticed that Gordy was wearing was a rainbow colored luggage strap, and apparently the multi-color rainbow is an indicator of being gay. So the youths taunted him all night. First they called him “Mr. Gay Luggage” but then his new nickname became “Mr. Fag-Bag”. Anyway he was almost in tears when he got home. He did get some slight revenge on them however as they had a whole bucket of Church’s Chicken which they dropped when my husband chased them off the property. He then ate the entire bucket in about 6 seconds while they watched from afar. When my husband eats chicken, he bites the ends of the bones off, crunches and swallows them. It’s amazing to watch… Like a giant troll or something. He’s so cute! Anyway he felt a little better after that. He also noted that it was easier to swallow without the tight lanyard around his thick neck.
So the next day we went to a local ‘adult’ store which had a lot of weird bondage straps, leather masks and that sort of thing. There were many different products there that we thought might work. We decided to buy this strange strap thingy that actually is supposed to go around a woman’s waist and has a leash attached. It seemed to fit around his neck just fine and had a leash and hook from which an ID badge could hang. However, we didn’t think it through very well, because we later realized it looked very kinky on him because it was made of black leather with little chrome spikes. In light of his new Fag-Bag nickname , we didn’t think it wise for him to wear black leather straps with spikes. However, the strap thingy wasn’t a total waste of money because when I tried it on for myself he said I looked very smoking hot, and one thing led to another and… lets just say that now we have a new accessory for the bedroom (It’s been a long time!)
The next morning I had to perform CPR on my husband, but luckily he still made it to his day job on time. However, we still had no solution to the thick neck lanyard problem, so he wore a regular sized one to work that night, which of course choked him. Determined, I went to the pet store and bought a large dog leash to try on him. That actually seems to work! We looped the leash around and through itself and safety pinned it to keep it from tightening around his neck. Then the rest of the strap hangs down and has a lobster claw swivel hook attachment which is perfect for holding the ID badge. Of course, the looser punks that hang out near his workplace immediately noticed he was actually wearing a dog-leash, and nicknamed him “Big Bow-Wow”. But that’s a lot better than “Fag Bag”. And besides, they now keep their distance after he ate their bucket of chicken.
Anyway, I wanted to suggest that you might offer a “big and tall” style of lanyards. I’m sure a lot of your customers might be ordering for college football teams, Russian women bodybuilders, or Harley Davidson biker clubs. There are a lot of these kind of customers out there and your industry completely overlooks them. I read you are the only company that has a lanyards factory here in the USA so it should be easier for you to come out with a line of thick neck lanyards. Think about it.
We can make a custom sized lanyard order at any time. If a customer has a specific measurement for lanyards (bigger or smaller) that they’d like produced, we can do it. There are minimum quantities involved (200 pcs), but other than that it’s no problem at for us to make any custom strap product.
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